Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Even before Will was an idea in our minds, people were letting me know that most likely I would not continue to be in ministry when he came along. They told me that having a child changes things. They said it was near to impossible to be a mom and be in ministry. I grieved. Oddly enough, growing up, all I wanted to do was be a mom. I had visions and dreams of a white picket fence, of green grass, a handful (I was a kid people, give me a break) of kiddos, and all of that glorious perfection of motherhood that society paints for us. Five years ago I landed a dream job, one that was perfect for me and fit my heart, skills, and passions perfectly. Honestly, I could not have dreamed up something better. Then I landed the perfect husband and almost 9 months ago gave birth to the sweetest, most adorable, most awesome little boy a mom could dream of. With all of these changes I have learned that sometimes visions and dreams change. Sometimes by choice and other times not. One thing remains the same, God loves us and meets us in those places where dreams and visions are transformed. To be clear, my dream of being a mom hasn't changed. I LOVE being a mom. I adore every moment I get to spend with peanut. Watching him learn, grow and explore the world around him is a highlight of each and every day. Never in my life did I think I'd find pureeing various fruits and vegetables rewarding, or the regulation of a tiny persons bowels so important. Never did I imagine that I would find such peace and hope in allowing another woman to come to my home and give my son such tender, heartfelt care in my absence. What changed, is my insistence that I would never be a working mom. The person who once thought there was no way she could work and be a good mom is now seated on her office couch working on task-lists, dreaming of how to help our church do missions better, and at the same time wondering how peanut is doing back home. My heart and brain have been challenged by the idea that perhaps I can be a great wife and mom, while at the same time serve God and our church community as their Missions Pastor. Perhaps my being a mom will help me to be a better pastor, and perhaps vice-versa. Perhaps instead of sacrificing greatness because his mom works, my son will have a larger world view because of the church family we work with and because of the experiences he will have being a part of it. Honestly, sitting on this couch is several months in the making. Returning to work has been a challenge and adjustment for both peanut and me. I don't know what it means to be a missions pastor...and how to be a wife and a missions pastor... let alone be a wife, mom and missions pastor. But I do know one thing, Just as God loved and met me in that place where visions and dreams are transformed, he will meet me in this place of not-knowing what I am doing.
Well, this ol' blog has been silent... for almost TWO YEARS! A lot of life has happened since March 2011, and there is no way I could sum it up sufficiently in a blog post... let's suffice it to say that it has been a much more Glorious adventure than I could ever put into words. There has been a lot of good, and a lot of hard, and I lacked sufficient words for both. While I find myself not even sure where to begin again, there is a piece of me that is ready to come back to the surface. Ready to start putting all of these thoughts in my head and in my heart into words, again. I have NO IDEA where this will go, or how long it will last, but I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to break the silence, and open up about what I'm learning and discovering in life.