Monday, March 28, 2011

Wrecked.

A year and a half ago I was described as: adventurous, on the go, loves to travel, free spirited, and my personal favorite, "hesitant to let grass grow under her feet."

In those days, if I was asked to go to Kenya or Haiti there was little hesitation, my response was always filled with excitement, and I would count down the weeks, then days, then hours, and yes sometimes the minutes until my plane took off.

Today I fly to Kenya, and there hasn't been a countdown.

I'll be honest. I am a WRECK. A complete and utter embarrassment as I shed tear after tear and keep asking for one more hug and one more cuddle on the couch. I've commented several times that I remind myself of a two year old with separation anxiety.

It's not because I don't love Africa anymore... cause it still holds, and always will hold this amazing place in my heart. It's always on my mind, and I carry the people with me wherever I go. The same goes for Haiti. And lest the elders or my co-workers get worried, it's not because I don't like my job anymore, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I LOVE what I do.

It's because my heart has grown 10,000 times in the last year and a half. It's because I found this place where I can be loved fully and wholly for who I am, and I opened myself up to it. This wonderful guy, has created a safe place for me to be me, the good and the bad, the lovely and the ugly (and sometimes my soul can be quite ugly). I've found this security, this support, this safe place in this man and I've been allowed to sit there and grow for the last 18 months. I've found great comfort, learned more and more about trust, been loved more than I can possibly imagine, and now I have to walk into the world... for 8 days.

I'm a wreck, but its a good thing. I would rather be a miserable snotty mess saying goodbye and have this greater capacity to be loved, and more importantly, love others than be who I was a 18 months ago. I'm looking forward to Kenya, but in a new way. I'm positive that everything Jason has taught me about grace, love, and serving can go with me and I will be better at what I do for it.

Thank you Jason, for tearing down the walls I used for protection of my heart. Thank you for making me a wreck.