Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Change

I am usually a person who embraces change. I moved often as a kid, and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the newness, the sorting, the organizing, the purging... the new place, the new friends, setting up the room again! Loved it. Some might actually accuse me of trying "create" change in my life as an adult in my inability to stay put in the same place for several years... I'm a wanderer...

I'm a wanderer whose heart has found a home in the heart of another. And I love this. I love that I can trust this man with my entire life and with all of me, my heart, my mind, my spirit. No, he won't be "perfect" and neither will I, but we have this hope that we will give grace when needed, always learn and grow, and love each other honestly. As well as a mutual agreement to always fight for each other and for our marriage. Yes. We know it looks easier in print than it will be, but you gotta aim high right?

So my wanderer/vagabond/explorer heart was recently surprised (read overwhelmed) the other day as I stopped to process what was going on in my soul. I think I hadn't put it all together yet, but I had been feeling the effects of it all for the last several weeks... say since May? And I didn't know what to do with that feeling... or the emotions that came with it.

There is a LOT of change going on. A LOT. More than this vagabond-change-creator has ever experienced... this coming from a girl who sold all she had, packed some bags and moved to Tanzania a few years ago.

In May, life took a turn, a very good turn, one that I am thrilled about. I said "yes" to the man of my dreams. And even though we had talked about things beforehand, it was all now becoming reality. And the changes began.

It was subtle at first. A change in how we prioritize time, a change in how we prioritize each other. A change of clothes (had to look good for pictures). And it grew... a change in how we manage finances... a change in how we operate in our previous family traditions... and it grew some more... a change in how I approach my job (sidenote: I am not quitting my job, I LOVE my role at Crosspointe, but you have to admit, when you love someone, the approach to travel and what your heart experiences with each trip is different)... a change in how I spend my free time (aka, now wedding planning/dreaming time) a change in what we read (we've got some great books we're going through on how to have a healthy marriage and love each other well.)

And then.. some more...

a change of address... a change in medications (let's face it, enough change has happened this year, we don't need to add to the Markley clan quite yet) a change in lifestyle from renter to homeowner... a change in the list of weekend chores with said home ownership... a change in living environment (someone else must be considered here, even if he isn't living here right now) a change in how I load the dishwasher, or how dishes are managed.. a change in how laundry is managed... a change in... life.

All of this change is good. All of it. And this list is not to say that Jason isn't doing a thing, or is asking me to do things his way, its just proclaiming the fact that for the last several years we have lived life differently, and we are both adults who like systems and processes, and we are both learning how to operate and love each other in our different systems and processes...

And I find myself overwhelmed. Which is where this post began. The wanderer/vagabond/explorer has found her match. What I find to be incredibly awesome, is that monday afternoon I could finally put a word or two to what I was feeling. Overwhelmed by change. Monday night I came home, and over dinner I opened up... and shared... shared my excitement for the future... and my excitement for all that is taking place... and my joy over all of it... but that there is this great feeling that is also gripping my heart... I am overwhelmed by it all.

And Jason... in all his security said... "I know." He didn't panic, he didn't try to "fix" it, he listened. I love this man.

We both know that life is radically, and quickly changing. We both recognize there are going to be points that are harder for each of us individually, and while we are excited about the future, recognize that there are going to be points that are incredibly overwhelming...

But we're not alone. We have this hope, this trust, in Something beyond us. Something bigger than us. SomeOne who dreams beyond our dreams, who leads us, who loves us fully, who guides us, and who we truly feel has brought us together. And we take comfort in that Hope. We trust Him to lead, and we find security in knowing that those feelings that might be too big to fit in our chest... aren't too big for Him. And we keep making necessary changes, and we keep celebrating, and we keep learning to love each other and keep being intentional about learning how to do that better.

And change and transition continue.

1 comment:

Brazenlilly said...

Great post, Pam. So true and so important to articulate these feelings and thoughts to yourself and to your spouse. You're off to a great start!