Sunday, June 14, 2009

Full

Full:  containing or holding as much or as many as possible; having no empty space.  Having eaten or drunk to one's limits or satisfaction.

I have been quiet, I admit it, but I have another confession:

I have been starving.  I somehow got myself into this really poor rhythm of life where I was regularly pouring into others while somehow forgetting to pour into myself.  It has been one full year.  An awesome one, yet a cram packed full one.  I have loved my experiences and have grown in ways I never thought imaginable.  In April I celebrated 1 year at Crosspointe Church, in a week I will celebrate having lived at the same address for 12 months straight (A record since 2005) I have enjoyed being an aunt, and have cherished time with family.  I have fallen in love with another country when I didn't think my heart would ever have room to share.  Who would have known that I could fit a love for both Haiti and Africa within this soul of mine.  And while we are at it, when I am in both places I continue to grow in admiration and fondness of the USA, and my heart for the poor here is fueled...

Yet I so often forget to nourish that heart.  It is energized, excited, sees needs and tries to meet them, and fails to meet its own.  I noticed this a few weeks ago when I sat on my bed nearly in tears because I was so tired yet couldn't fall asleep.  I had been through a very difficult few weeks and for the first time ever in my life I said the words, "I just don't think I can handle another person in need, there is just too much, too much need in my world these days..."  

But there isn't.  There was just nothing left in me to address another crisis.  And it was then that I realized that I had gotten myself into this crazy rhythm and that over the last several months I had slowly forgotten about my need to refuel and refresh.  When I don't refuel and refresh my ability to think through ideas is hindered, sometimes greatly.  If I can't think things through my ability to process what I have seen and heard is greatly impacted, and when I can't process...well writing just doesn't happen, let alone ministry.  Yeah, I get by, but getting by is not usually my first choice for how things should be done.

Thankfully things don't have to stay this way.  I have learned this lesson (and I admit will probably have to learn it again) and have started to carve out time in my weeks, months and year to pour into me, to do the things that fuel my heart, to take time out, to hear God and to just chill and relax.  I did so this weekend...and as you can tell by the fact that I am actually writing...it worked wonders.  After this weekend I am quite full.  At one point I literally thought to myself, "I just can't take anymore, my heart is overflowing and overwhelmed with joy."  

But that friends is a different post.

1 comment:

Dave said...

I had begun to think you had given up blogging and moved to a cybercave in the mountains of Nepal. Glad you have returned. Perhaps you should check for leaks before declaring fullness?

Dave D