Monday, January 05, 2009


This morning was our first staff meeting of the new year, and I couldn't help but reflect on 2008. As we laughed and talked as a staff I was overwhelmed with shock and awe by the fact that I was a part of this team... er... I mean family.

It is amazing to think through all that has taken place in a year.  A year ago I was "visiting" the USA.  I had come home for Christmas and informed CMF of my intent to resign and return to the States when I returned for my already scheduled furlough in March 2008.  When the new year turned it was determined that instead of resigning in March, January would be a good start.  I had just spent time visiting family, a guy I was communicating with overseas, spent more time with family, seen many friends, nearly freaked out in Wal-mart, hyperventilated in Marsh, eaten real pizza for the first time in two years, and had some wonderful chats with grandma.  And a year ago at this time, I was FREAKING OUT!

I had no idea what was coming.  None.  All I knew was that Arusha was not the healthiest place for me at the time and I was not the healthiest person to be in Arusha.  I also knew that I felt God was up to something new, that would still involve the poor around the world, but also involve the poor in the USA.  And there was one other part...I kept hearing this phrase..."renew your mind."  This I assumed meant graduate school.  So I applied.  And was accepted, and instead of heading to CO, headed to NC to join this amazing community who have loved me through all of my freak out moments.  All of them.  Without question.  And I feel like there were several.

And I am learning that renew your mind, may have literally meant just that.  Renew. My.  Mind. In my unhealth I finally succumbed to seeing a counselor.  I knew my heart was broken and my spirit weary and well most people in the USA refer to it as Depression.  In the last couple of months I have been challenged in my appointments to change my thinking (sound familiar).  I believe some very unhealthy things about myself.  I also tend to take the blame for things I have very little control over, and also assume responsibility for others in an unhealthy manner. Renew my mind.  Hmmm.  Go figure.

As I read through my blog entries for January 2008, I become a little sappy.  
It was a very confusing, scary, uncertain time, and all I knew was that I was returning to the USA.  I didn't know what for, what to do, what it all meant, just that I was returning.

As I read through my blog entries for January 2008 I become a little weepy.  Here I am.  I have the privilege of working with some of the most amazing people I know.  We share a similar passion for people and we all bring our unique strategies and creative thinking to the mix.  (Ok, I know I don't bring THAT much creativity...that's not where I jive!)  I weep recognizing the grief I felt a year ago today.  I weep recognizing the joy I feel today.  

They said it would take nearly a year for this place to feel like home, and I am relieved to know that a month from now I will be that much closer.  Some say it is a year from the time where you actually settled ground which means April.  I don't know much, but I know there isn't a magic button and I know a part of me will always be in a slum at the foot of Mount Meru, but I also know that with each passing day this place too becomes more like home.


andrea said...

I feel so honored to be counted amoungst your new family!
Love you girlie!

Chelsea said...

Well I'm very glad you came and stayed :)

Brian Williams said...

God is good. Your location influences but does not change who you are. If a part of you wasn't still in the slums, then you could not be all the God wants you to be at Crosspointe. We are very blessed to have you bring your gifting and talents to our family / team.
You rock!

Joey Hansen said...

Just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're here, and that it's feeling a little more like home all the time.