I am frustrated with myself. When there is pain, sorrow, heartbreak and I feel like I am drowning I put all energy possible into getting better and seeking God, but once things start to feel better, I get lazy. This is where I am now.
And it is sad that I don't treasure this time with Jesus as much as I should. I mean, most people I know would love their employer to remove them from work to get well, and I am completely appreciative of it, but I also know that I could be doing much more, pressing further in, digging deeper with Jesus with all this extra time, but alas, I grow lazy, or get distracted in the kitchen (which shouldn't be so bad as it brings nourishment to many and cooking has always been a stress reliever...but I digress.)
As I think about the last three days, I realize the going got good, I am feeling free again, joyful, content, and therefore, I am not screaming out to my God to be near me...
will I ever learn? I need His nearness today just as much as I needed it six weeks ago. But then I realize, my distance is also an avoidance technique. Allow me to explain...
I have some hard questions for God, some that I know He may not answer, and although I know full well that HE is GOOD, He is Mighty, He is Loving, Gentle, Patient, Compassionate, Slow to Anger, Just, and well so much more...and I believe that He does know what is best for me and I am in now way having a major crisis of faith...I still find myself asking some tough questions:
Where were you?
Why didn't you intervene?
How could you let those men take advantage of their authority over me?
Why did I have to go through this?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
Where were you? WHERE WERE YOU?
And even, on occasion throughout the day, "where are you now?"
I am thankful that I serve a God who allows these questions, and I am thankful that He is comfortable with me asking them. I will be thankful to, to discover the answers, and I trust that He will give them, when I am good and ready to hear them, or when the time is right, or both.
Lazyness and avoidance, two reasons why I need you to keep praying. I know God has so much more of himself to reveal through these circumstances, and I know He has some precious time set aside for me and him each day, and I have not taken full advantage of it.