Now that I am connected to the world again I have found my inbox flooded with questions... particularly one... "Pam, how are you?"
And again I am failing to find words to describe the last six weeks, in particular the last week. Maybe some things are meant to be stored up in my heart and not to be shared at the moment.
In short, I am doing much better. After a few weeks of walking around seemingly under a raincloud and often confused by the intense feelings of grief, and not being able to see God, or hear Him or really just connect to Him, I am finding that I am learning a ton, and learning, isn't always fun, but it is necessary. I am learning new things about the God I serve, particular about His heart, and that He is actually closer than I think.
I have learned a lot about God's grieving heart, and how His heart is so closely intertwined with mine that He grieves my pain as well. I have learned that even Christians, and yes, even those missionaries who somehow get put on a spiritual pedastal we never asked for can struggle with depression, and yes, I have learned that it is ok to say such things. You see, I think part of the problem, was that I was ashamed for what I was feeling, I had somehow become convinced in my thinking that Christians should never be down, not for so many days in a row, and particularly, to the extent that I was, and so I somehow believed I couldn't share these thoughts, these feelings, this pain with anyone, and thus, my pain grew, and grew, and grew, I tried to carry the burden on my own.
I have learned a lot about the snare of depression. More than I ever learned about a textbook when pursuing my psych degree at IUPUI. I have learned a bit about the spiritual despair that goes along with it and contributes to the depths of it. I have also learned that the Word of God can bring Life in a way I never experienced. Yea, we all talk about the Word, its life giving ablity, how it brings freedom, but I have never experienced it in such a way as I have in the last 4 days. I can say with great confidence, that although I know these counseling sessions are helpful and important, I have found more freedom and hope and healing in the moments that I sit on the lounge chair, pour out my pain to the Lord and then read through His Word. His word is washing over me and healing my heart, my spirit, the dark depths of my soul, and I am being renewed.
My words are failing me to truly describe the last four days, even those already written don't express what my heart feels at the moment. Basically, I am doing better. I am still in Nairobi, I have another counseling appointment today (I had one on friday afternoon last week) and another scheduled for Thurday morning. I hope to return to Arusha Thursday afternoon or friday morning, and then to make shorter trips to Nairobi to continue on with the counseling.
Thanks for praying. I couldn't express how the support of the body of Christ is helping me to endure these difficult times.