Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Encouraged and Discouraged

I woke up refreshed this morning. It was the first time in weeks. Aside from the two nights in Dar, wow did I sleep good in Dar.

After 10 hours of sleep I woke up and heard an encouraging message. I love podcasts. I then got myself up to head to bible study. A group of ladies recently started Beth Moore's Believing God and I joined them. Before leaving I got an email from Brian, an elder at Crosspointe, with some very encouraging words. He also reminded me of one of my favorite songs and so I put it on repeat as I drove to bible study. So this sounds boring to you right? Well let me put it in perspective, I havent' had a morning like this in weeks. As of late it is a struggle to get up, I haven't readily gone to the Word because to be honest it is difficult to pay attention so I kinda figured "what's the point?." Although I have maintained my normal activities, it has been a battle.

Anyhow, lets just say, I was encouraged. I shared my hurt with my bible study and the confusion of it all, because although I haven't been formally diagnosed, I think it is safe to say I am depressed, crisis can do that to you, and thankfully it isn't the end of the world, it is just a season that has to be worked through. I was encouraged as these ladies loved me and heard my heart, and blessed me, man did they bless me.

So I leave bible study, and I am enjoying the spring time sun and thanking God for what seems to be a fresh start, a new outlook, a corner turned.

I notice a man riding a bicycle up ahead. Nothing abnormal, there are usually bikes, chickens, carts, other cars and so much more on the side of the road. I take note that he is there and that he is in the bike path. I continue driving, only to notice as I get closer to him, that he has a huge load on the back of his bike, and yep, he is wobbling a bit, so I slow down and get as far to the edge of my lane as possible without moving into on coming traffic and yep, here you have it folks, the guy comes into my lane, I can't move into the other lane and yep, I hit him.

Let that soak in.

So I again pull off to the side of the road. Again the tears start, the shaking, the nerves, the shortness of breath and the fear, the fear of what in the world is gonna happen, what have I done and is it ever gonna stop? Thankfully a safari car was following me, and stopped to help. And thankfully another American I know saw the whole thing and stopped. The good news...bicycle man is ok. He only had a scratch. I however, am not fine. My already bruised spirit is wounded yet again. I am fighting lies like you wouldn't believe it and yep, I am crushed. I just wonder, when will all of it end. I love this place, and I love my job and my ministry here, however, I am tired of the struggle.

Pray. I hurt. I know God can restore me to my usual glass half-full or even full self, just right now, I don't quite know how he is gonna do it.

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