Friday, August 31, 2007

How am I?

Many have emailed, and asked I am doing. Honestly, I am ok, but wrestling with a lot of emotions. Typically, in America, being accused of a crime wouldn't be so bad, actually I don't really know because I have never stood accused, but anyhow, some would think that this whole week was just a hurdle...but I must be honest, I feel like I climbed Mt. Meru three or four times, or maybe 10. I am tired.

I am angry. I am hurt. I am in physical pain because I like to carry stress in my neck and shoulders, and somehow it has made it through my whole back. I am frustrated, I am annoyed, I am feeling a lot of things I couldn't put words to. I am reeling. I am exhausted physically, spiritually and emotionally. I am not myself.

But I am trusting God. I am trusting Him to enable me to trust this culture again. I have not fallen out of love with my job or my life here, I have just had my foundation rocked a bit. I am more in love with this place, even after this experience, and honestly, I am more passionate about bringing change, because I realize that I was harassed because I was a white woman, but the underlying manipulation etc, power struggle, is faced by all Tanzanians. Yes, I am a little afraid, I don't want to drive as I don't want to get in this situation again. It's not an accident that frightens me, but the idea of the ramifications of the accident. I am grieving.

I am reliving a lot of things, that again I can't put into words. I am wanting to pick myself up by the bootstraps and stand tall, strong and speak with a loud voice, but my spirit is squashed and would rather run home or stay in bed. My bed is comfy, and predictable, and well it is just so cozy. Home, home sounds nice, and well home isn't here which makes it sound even nicer. BUT! This is my home, and as frustrated with it as I am, I can say with 100% certainty, that I know this is where I need to be. I am happy to be here.

It's a paradox. A love-hate, courage-fear, rejoice-grieving type relationship. So now that you all think I am crazy, or depressed, I encourage you with the words of Scott Price my team leader, "Pam, although you think the last week was nothing, it was something, it was a crisis, yeah, it doesn't seem like a crisis, but it was, you should be emotionally drained, and physically, and spiritually, that is normal, and we will get you through this." I am normal. I am OK.

So my feelings, they are normal. And, I am working on finding a counselor in Nairobi to debrief the experience, the harassment, the manipulation, the hurting. I will be ok. And yes, I am still driving.

So don't worry, that doesn't accomplish anything, but keep praying. Praying as I process all that I went through in the last 6 days (it is shocking to think that all this happened in only 6 days), and pray that I would do my part in restoring myself. My team has been wonderful, like any family would they have surrounded me and loved me and given me all that I need, they continue to direct me towards Jesus and act like him when I need it. They are being incredibly supportive of my random tears, and my crazy one-liners. They are wonderful. God, in His great mercy is comforting me as well. I am amazed by how His word can speak so closely to my heart in this situation. I am growing. And I am my beloveds and He is mine. I am loved by the King of Kings. I am His daugther, and I am safe.

1 comment:

g9ine said...

You are a good writer. You are a fantastic communicator. Again, as I read, I connect with your words and your experiences.