Friday, June 29, 2007

Frustrated

That describes me lately. I am frustrated for many reasons, too many to list. I didn't realize how frustrated I was until I drove into town today. I didn't realize how much I had let this mood simmer in my pit, and how it was affecting me. No wonder I am so tired.

I am frustrated with myself. I feel like I could be doing more, I want to do more, I want to know more and I want to understand more. I want to be better at loving my God and I want to be better at communicating that love to others. When I am frustrated I get tired and grumpy too, which makes me worse at loving others than normal which makes me more frustrated.

I am frustrated with the people I am here to serve. I am so frustrated with the one view they have of me. They don't see me as someone who can help them, unless help translates into giving someone money. I can't walk through Unga for more than 15 minutes and not get asked for money. When I explain to them that I am not here to give them money and that I am here to teach so they can earn money and provide for themselves without having to rely on white people to give them money, they get frustrated and snuff me off. Katie and I usually laugh it off, but today I am not laughing.

I am frustrated with the difficulty of life. No Joke. I left my house 3 hours ago. The items that needed accomplished: Bank. Diesel for the car. Gas for the stove. Drop off a tire that needs reparied. Grocery. Four hours later, I got all but the grocery done. 3 HOURS PEOPLE! Should I mention that I only live about 2 miles from the center of town, and that three of those items were accomplished at the same place! No hurry in Africa.

I am frustrated for the fact that it is yet again payday for our workers and I am yet again trying to find all the little notes of advances this past month, and I am frustrated because my workers ask for advances and frustrated because I give them, cause really, they need the money. I am frustrated because even though I have a system, and place for all those little notes, it seems that the system I have designed isn't working and every month I sit down at my desk to pay the staff and can't find those silly note cards. Ironically, even though it doesn't appear to be the case, on any personality test or spiritual gift inventory...I score HIGH on administration. It usually is in the top 3. I always eventually find the receipts, today it just seems to be taking longer.

I am frustrated with myself. Thats really what it comes down to. I don't like being frustrated, I don't like being so hard on myself, but lets face it, sometimes I need to be, as it is the only way to get my tail moving sometimes. But I am realizing, that living in this frustration isn't really helping me at all. It isn't moving me, it is doing quite the opposite, it is making it easier to convince myself that I really can't do what I am here to do. I know that I can. I know that God has called and has given me a vision, but honestly folks, today I feel completely inadequate, and that...that is frustrating.

Thankfully I serve a God who understands this feeling, who has given me all that I need to do the job and won't let me forget it. I just hope he keeps telling me so throughout the day as I can't use my avoidance tactic of taking a nap...my bed is covered with piles of stuff I searched through to find those silly notes... I gotta find the notes.

1 comment:

woosterweester said...

You hang in there girl. We are hard pressed but not crushed...
May God send ministering angels to encourage you today and enable your way.

Rory