Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hard on myself

I learned something last week...that I have learned before, but this time it seems to be sticking.

It seems, that once again, I forgot that the unending, unchanging, unconditional, unfathomably deep love of God actually applies to me as well. Isn't that interesting? I can tell others all day long how deep the love of God flows for them and how much He desires to know them, guide them, share life with them...but when it comes to me...somehow I forget! It is like I believe it for everyone else but me...

At our retreat Peter was talking about our concious beliefs and subconcious beliefs, and it was then that I realized I still have this chasm in my belief system. He was saying that our concious beliefs are the ones that we say we believe, those things we want to believe, but our subconcious, those are the things we really believe. For Example: I may say conciously that I believe He can be trusted, but subconciously, I don't, therefore my actions, my prayers, my life don't reflect that belief, and instead of sleeping soundly, i lay awake worrying about all the little details of my life. This isn't to say that if you worry you have no trust in God, but there is something to be said about worry and trust and how they are related.

It dawned on me, that the Love of God is still working its way into my subconcious belief. I know it in my mind and in my heart, but really, I don't accept it or live it for myself...I accept it and live it for others. I am tired of living this way, living a life where I have somehow convinced myself that God loves me because of what I do and who I am, cause really, he loves me because I am me. That's it. Plain and simple.

I want to live fully trusting in my subconcious, with all of my being, that God loves Pam as she is, regardless of her current state, and that He can be trusted with all of me, not just the parts I am willing to trust him with...but that is another post for another day!

Air guitar.

Do you remember the last time you played air guitar? I did today...and yesterday...and the day before...as you laugh...know that it is almost a daily occurance and laugh a little harder!

Several years ago I was talking about playing guitar and Heather Heidelman got a new one and gave me hers. I taught myself how to play and really enjoyed it...

enter college and working full time...

I took the guitar to Chile with me in 2000. While I was there I met this really amazing guitar player who, believe it or not, did not own a guitar. I mean this person was really gifted... After much prayer, I realized that in my life, there was no time for the guitar, I wasn't progressing, and lets face it, I was working 40+ hours a week, going to college full time and volunteering at Outreach and Riley Children's Hospital... so in the tradition of the guitar... I gave my guitar to this talented worship leader... who by the way started leading worship in his church!

Anyhow, lately, I have time. I have space in my day, particularly in my evenings, that I could pick it up again, and I have this craving, this longing to pluck those strings, there is only one problem... I don't have a guitar.

Maybe I can borrow one. hmmm. until then...the air guitar will have to suffice.

Moving Day...

Is coming very quickly! This time next week I will be exhausted and trying to make some sense of the mad chaos of my stuff!

This moving thing. It is the third residence I have had in a year. It is getting old. I have said more than once today that, "this time, really this time, this time I am going to fully unpack and settle in and stay..." And I really think that I can do that this time. I am really looking forward to it!

The thing is...moving is hard...it is tiring...and somehow, even with all the transition, I have collected some stuff and so I have to find some boxes and such... and really I shouldn't whine...i made the decision to move.

So pray. Pray I don't lose my mind in the next 6 days with the house in boxes and out of boxes. Pray that the rains will let up long enough to at least move the furniture down without getting soaked and covered in mud (no u-hauls here.)

I really should be packing.

Annie

She is my first...
And she has made me miserable...
She is an amoeba...
And she chose to take up residence in my digestive system! GROSS!

Anyhow, I have not suffered too miserably, and on occasion, I thought, what the heck, I can eat whatever i want, Annie will take care of it later, but I think it is time for Annie to go bye bye.

**note "annie" was fondly named "annie" to help us try to be somewhat appropriate in our dinner table conversations...and for laughs...

Wanderer...

I just spent 12 days in Kenya. Actually, I looked at my calendar and I realized I am spending as many days in Kenya this month as I am in Tanzania. That is a picture of life. Our team was heading to the coast for a spiritual retreat and a team meeting. The team meeting is something that is wonderful and painful... wonderful as it is a time of review the last year and setting the goals for the next year. And really it is only painful cause I can't sit still for more than 45 minutes...and these minutes are way longer than 45 minutes! It was a fantastic time of vision casting and seeking God and I am sure we all came back to Arusha excited.

I will say we started our week off right. Before we even sat down to have our business meetings we had 2 days with Peter and Tammy Russell (who I am also partnering with for Urban CHE) and had some excellent spiritual teaching, times of worship and times of prayer. It really set the stage for our meetings. I don't think they would have been the same had we not spent that time with God beforehand.

Pray that we will not lose sight of God's vision for the Rural and Urban Ministries of CMF! Pray that we would stay focused and not lose heart!